The Battle Inside

Darkness gives way to light. Whatever I experience now, I have to surrender to reality. The day might have concurred with the dark of night, while internal darkness is questioning motives, thoughts, and actions. Although motives are pure it is perceived as being selfish, wrong, and even devious.

But by who? 

Is it you?

Is it me, or is it simply the demon inside? He hand-feeds the black dog that is always following, never too far behind.Once even snapping at my ankles. I could feel his hot fault breath on my naked skin. Naked? Yes, the woman at her most vulnerable, ready for the taking. Then a voice. Conditions, cowardness, gut feeling, spirit, call it what you like. The fact is, it made the dog back off, but only a little…Its sneering face with born teeth, dripping with vile bacteria-infested saliva, never too far behind.

The problem is no one else can see him, when I talk about him, people think I am crazy, looking for attention, or my favorite, it's not so bad, just hold on or keep the faith and be strong. Just tell me this, how can you even tell me how to deal with my problem if you can't even see him? I am sure you even doubt if he is there.

The only time when the black dog properly backs off is when the demon inside me awakens. This one you can see. It is loud, swearing, threatening, wanting to break things, and chasing people away. The dog is scared of him. They both feed on my soul. Devouring chunks at a time. If it is not the one, it's the other.

At times I get the chance to recover, even heal to some extent. Just for one of them to come and take a bite out of the newly restored flesh, starting the feeding frenzy all over again.

Here's the thing, both of them carry diseases with basically the same symptoms…

They are...

Doubt, self-doubt, bad self-image, insecurity, self-isolation, paranoia, fear, and negativity, to name but a few.

Strangely, you can identify with someone else and encourage them, but you just can't practice what you preach...Isn't that then a form of schizophrenia? See, negative thoughts coming out again… No, I am only human after all, although one with one hell of an internal battle…

I don't expect you to understand me, I don't even understand me. It is not as if I choose this, and don't want this. How can I get along with other people, if I struggle to get along with myself…I try to do the right thing. Try being the operative word here, because most days I fail miserably… Also not out of choice. Do you think that I am failing you, do you even think about how bad I feel for failing me? That's another thing... Everybody is so involved with their struggles that we don't see the person next to us drowning, fending off a black dog and a raging demon. So I won't talk about it. Why would you ask…Because it is embarrassing.

Thank you for your time.… Not only do I feel like a weakling, but I remember a few line-ups, naked, and vulnerable, and one of the symptoms is paranoia. Well put those together and you get another symptom called dis-trust. How do I know you are not one day going to take advantage of your knowledge of my weaknesses and use it against me?

Pride yours? Ag please, that is out the window ages ago. Remember we don't think much of ourselves, so what is there to be proud of?

One of the common accusations is: "those people don't know the real you." So what exactly did you expect? I am already failing in life, so why the hell do you think I would walk around with my internal ghosts on my sleeve? I do have a stash of disposable masks. Defiantly from the COVID masks, this one is not detectable, and yet the person you just had a conversation with, left without the danger of being infected and get to live another day, thanks to the mask...

If you think I am saying that my struggle is worse than yours, you bet your ass I am but guess what, you feel the same about your struggles. Here is some food for thought….

I don't think your struggle is bad because I don't live it, just as you don't think my battle is something worthy. After all, you don't live it…so save your pointless statement for another day, because it is exactly what it is, pointless…

I need to find a way to get the dog and the daemon to take each other on. Let them table it out and leave me the hell alone. The problem is the dog is a coward and backs off as soon as the daemon surfaces. The daemon is a coward too because he hides behind loud noises to scare the dog off, but he is the type that causes havoc and then leaves the consequences for someone else, causing the dog to come closer again. This is the time when a noted symptom comes out that is gravy on the meal for the dong…regret… Don't even think of saying that if regret comes out, all you need to do is apologize… Easy for you to say, embarrassing worse by apologizing? This in turn is the daemon's gravy, because it is easier to hide behind the rage.

If you don't understand any of this, then I am afraid you wasted your time because this is not for you… If you get this then let's think of a way to trick the dog and the daemon into getting into a life-changing altercation and hopefully they take each other out so that we can live again and who knows, maybe even wear pastels without flinching at the idea…