Self Acceptance

Today we woke up early because Dad had to leave for PMB again and yet after that Evan and I were unable to sleep as Evan has been having so so so many difficulties sleeping but we trying our best to cope with that.

Anyway so for many years I was unable to be the person I was. I mean we all adapt and change to fit in with our partners and our new surroundings or is/was it just me?So like I said I was off and use to love writing and poems like no man's business and this morning after really being super exhausted with Evan and Dad's things I received a message with a poem that was written by Donna Ashworth! For those who do not know she was my favorite writer when I started out in High School and I follow her on social media but I literally lost track of the writing and the purity, the satisfaction of writing many moons ago so when I saw the message today it woke up a part of me that I would love to have back FOREVER!

I miss writing, I miss reading and writing poems. It is such an awesome way of letting go of what was and the unchangeable things of life!

So I started a challenge...mmm...wait I did not start it yet I want to start the challenge where I literally motivate myself to find my old self again, to move forward being the 'me' I was before, and to love and respect her as she was left in the dark moons back for the new life. 

As I said - I thought it is something we all, women go through and do - leave what made us behind and find a new us...I mean really that is what I thought!

Anyway, so I remembered things I did as a teen to help myself cope with life and all that it brings with to visit and thought that maybe, just maybe if I never stopped doing what made me, me, just maybe I would not be suffering from depression, anxiety, and constant disappointment in myself!

I thought that maybe if I teach Nina those skills, it would help her cope as she is...well she is like me even though she is a bit feistier and she actually speaks her mind unlike mommy here, but I was hoping it would help her and make life easier for both of us. 

We do not really have issues with each other or tiffs but there come times when I have to remind her that I was once a tween/teen and she can not le to me but other than that we are good.So after the suggestion, I was told that my method was outdated and the new way of coping with life and its things is to do role play...so yes I know what role play is but guaranteed her this is much better as role play but nope she did not vouch for that excuse, saying please just accept my way of coping and with sight, I nodded and walked away.

Being able to write what you feel and not get into trouble for it was always the best way to cope and I am sure the safest as well as it gets used to teach other people that might go or feel the same as you, how to handle the situation or how not to react but yes lets role play everybody.

Apologies, not trying to mock her way of coping but I know she is struggling to cope. 

Her way is not as effective and healthy but yes I will let her find that out for herself.

Getting back to what I want to do every day - the challenge...I want to,

 find myself, 

accept me, 

love me, 

respect me, and 

put me first!

But I know this will be one huge adapting for me as I am so used to putting everyone else first and losing me for the sake of them that I will really be struggling.

Tips on how to actually do this and improve me - please share!

I want my daughter to love herself and respect herself and to know her value in life for me to be able to do that I need to do these five things so that I can lead by example as they learn best from what they see and if I want Rubz and Evi to know how to treat a lady and really respect her and value her I need them to see how I do that to myself so that they can implement it when they are older.

I do not want to raise two smart boys that are selfish, self-centered, and rude...so my work is cut out for me...sad I love coloring but this picture needs to stay blank until the right mix of colors is found!